


Falling

by Chaotic_frogs



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders has Intrusive Thoughts, Emotional Hurt, Explicit Language, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Writing on Skin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:15:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 15,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27463303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaotic_frogs/pseuds/Chaotic_frogs
Summary: Soulmates. Such an odd and interesting thing. He never quite believed in them, not after seeing his parents. But he knew he had one, everyone did for that matter. But he knew he had one, they wrote to him daily. Remus loved the small writings his soulmate left on his skin, yet he was always afraid to write back. What if his soulmate hated him just as much as he hated himself?(Originally posted on Wattpad, decided to post it here as well.)
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

Remus woke up surrounded by darkness. It was still late then, and once again he woke up in the middle of the night. He sighed and climbed out of his bed, wearing only a tank top and boxers. He walked to the window and made his way to the roof, where he sat, staring up at the sky. He wanted so badly to sleep, more so since he had to be up for classes in the morning, he just couldn't. His mind tended to wander at night and he just so desperately needed someone beside him. Some call it the pull and need for your soulmate, but he didn't want one. Or more like he didn't want someone to deal with his disgusting self.

His parents often reminded him of how much of a disgrace and just outright nasty he was. That his thoughts were just so satanic and not human. How could anyone love all of that? Remus' thoughts started running a mile a minute and before he knew it he was beginning to scratch at his skin, just wanted to rip it off with a rusty scalpel. As stopped the scratching just as soon as he started when he saw the beautiful writing on his forearm. 

Stay well today, my love. <3

Remus smiled sadly. He loved the notes and writing but he knew deep down he did not deserve this person. He did not deserve this love. But by god did he want some of this glorious love. How he wanted to so badly feel loved and that he mattered to someone. Mattered more than some platonic friendship way, like what he and Janus have. He wanted more, he wanted to fall in love and have something more. 

With a sigh, he climbed back into his bedroom and grabbed a sharpie of the desk. His hand was shaky as he uncapped the marker and wrote on his arm for the very first time. He wanted a happy ending and by god was he going to get one. Even if he had to make up his own. 

hello


	2. Chapter 2

His alarm rang out loudly, making Remus groan, smacking it with his hand several times. He must have fallen back asleep after coming back inside. He sat up and stretched before he caught the dark ink on his arm. He didn't remember writing but oh god it's too late now. He looked at his arm closer and noticed a response. He couldn't help but smile and feel butterflies attacking his insides. 

Oh! You actually are there. I always just assumed I was writing to myself, but it's so very good to hear from you! 

This time, he wrote back knowing full well what he was doing. 

im sorry for making u think that way just nervous to write to u 

It wasn't a lie, he would never lie to them at least. Remus himself has told a handful of lies in his time but he swore that he would never lie to his soulmate, if and when he ever spoke to them. He just wanted to be himself for once and not have to push down and push away all his thoughts, disgusting or not. 

Once he realized that was all he wanted to say, he got out of bed and got ready for the day. He knew Janus would be by shortly to pick him up so they could head to class together and he didn't want to be late again. Moreso he had enough of yelling and really did not want to hear it from Janus, at least not today. So as quickly as he could, Remus got dressed in some decent clothes and brushed his teeth. He ran downstairs as quickly and quietly as he could, afraid to wake his parents, more specifically his father. He snuck out the front door and sat on the curb waiting for Janus. As he waited, he rolled up his sleeves and stared at his arms, seeing his soulmate had already responded.

No need to apologize or anything, it's truly ok. I hope you have a wonderful day. 

as long as its okie can i know ur name

Remus wrote that out not thinking, just wanting to know. He knew the answer to his own question already, but at this point, he didn't care. He knew he had to try, that's what Janus would tell him to do anyway, to just try. 

"Earth to Rem. Come on we are gonna be late for class and I swear if we are late again I will lose my sanity," spoke Janus through the passenger window that was rolled down. 

"Sorry, sorry I'm coming, just gotta flush away the impending feeling and thoughts cutting through my mind," Remus responded opening up the car door and getting in. He never fastened his seatbelt, secretly loving the idea of crashing and flying out the front window, scrapping his entire body before kissing the concrete. The blood surrounding him, seeping out of his body and just. Remus snapped himself out of his trance. God, he was so sick. He clenched his fists, digging his nails into his skin, angry at himself. He is trying so hard to get better. To not be so sick and disgusting, to have these such abnormal thoughts. 

He knew Jan was talking but he just couldn't get himself to fully listen. He wasn't in the mood nor did he really care right now. He didn't care at all right about anything. Anything except his soulmate, he could never stop caring about them. He would always love and care for them, regardless of who they were or even if they felt the same way or not.


	3. Chapter 3

Remus couldn't focus in class. His mind kept wandering too deep dark places and as much as he knew he should focus, he just couldn't. He kept checking his arm, waiting and hoping to see a name written there, but instead he was met with nothing but old messages. He wanted them to respond, he already missed them, which was just absurd. How could he miss someone he's never actually met. He just yearned for his soulmate. Yearned for them, whoever they may be. 

Remus honestly didn't care who or what they were. Upside to him being bisexual, though only Janus and their soulmate knew that. His mom wouldn't care, but his dad would make his life difficult. Of course, Janus didn't mind at all he was gay and his soulmate was a kind-hearted gay transguy named Roman. Roman was nice, a true sweetheart, which is why he was happy his best friend found someone so good. Did he like Roman? Yeah, he did but more like a brother. 

The more he dwelled on Janus and Roman, the more he yearned for his. He hardly knew anything about them, besides what they shared in writing but god he was already catching feels. He was in deep and there was nothing that would change that. Remus hated that he was feeling an emotion so strongly. He didn't want to have this feeling, he didn't want to be in love or have a stupid soulmate in the first place. Remus didn't believe in love, or well he didn't believe in the idea of falling in love. He liked the idea of love but he just didn't want to feel it. He was scared of it, scared of mainly his soulmate falling out of love with him. He's seen it with his parents, though Janus told him they probably aren't soulmates then, for some reason he just could not believe that. How could someone be with someone they are destined with? How could someone possibly even love someone they aren't meant to be with? That just made absolutely no sense to Remus. 

As his mind drifted farther and farther into the depth of darkness, he felt the tingling on his arm. His soulmate. He tried to snap out of his thoughts so he could see the response he had been dying to see all day. 

Sorry, Remus as much as I would love to share who I am. I'm not quite ready to let you know that. Nothing against you, just feeling nervous. 

Oh, fu-fudge uh yes I do know who you are. We go to the same university. There's a hint for you. 

Remus' heart dropped. They go to his school and they know who he is. How do they know him? How does he not know who they are? Oh lord was his mind running, and to the worst of places, go figure. 

can we text i wanna write to u still for i love ur writing n what u say but i also wanna get to know u more n text would be best

He wrote that out, scared for that answer but he just needed to know them more. He just had to. His need for them and to know them had only grown stronger. He wanted to figure out who they were, to have their arms around him. To hold their hand. He wanted to feel like he truly mattered and that he was truly loved for once. He only hoped they would love him even a fraction of how much he already loved them.


	4. Chapter 4

The rest of the day went by slow for Remus, he was waiting for a response and just completely lost in his thoughts. He knew he would have to ask Janus for notes later, to which Janus would lecture him before handing them over. Unfortunately, today Remus had to walk home as Janus and Roman had a date after classes, leaving him alone in his thoughts. Which was fine, gave him more time to process and sort things out before being stuck at home. 

if u want to text my number is xxx-xxxx

Remus wrote that before starting the several mile walk back to his parent's place. It felt odd to him that all his friends, mainly just Janus, lived on their own, he was just so afraid to leave his parent's house. He was 20 for crying out loud and he couldn't drive and still lived at home. He is just some loser, some nobody. Some kid who is just destined to never make it. That's all he is, or at least that is what Remus feels like. As his thoughts raged inside his head, he put in headphones, letting the music consume him. 

He took his time walking home that day, just needing time and space to himself. Once he got home, he grabbed a small snack from the kitchen before making his way quickly and quietly to his room. Once he got there he checked his phone for the first time since the school and saw a new text. 

Monday, March 7th, 2020 1:45 pm

xxx-xxxx: Hi Remus, it's your soulmate. 

xxx-xxxx: As cheesy and more romantic based as this is, you can call me Blue. You know, from Simon Vs. The Homo Sapien Agenda. 

His heart fluttered. Lord, they have such an effect on him, it drives him crazy. But as quickly as he got it, he saved the number under the name Blue. 

Remus: hi blue 

Remus: really nice to hear from u wasnt sure if u would actually text tbh

Blue: I figured it was the least I could do. Plus I too would like to get to know you more. This could be good for us both, I believe.

Blue: Are you doing alright, though? I saw you between one of my classes and you looked upset or hurt and I am just concerned. 

They saw him between classes? Which class could be a clue but also the campus is huge, how did they spot him and yet he couldn't see them. It aggravated Remus to no end. He just wanted to know who they were for crying out loud. 

Monday, March 7th, 2020 2:02 pm 

Remus: yeah yeah im fine just been a long day no worries

Remus: sorry for worrying u tho 

With that, Remus threw his phone down on his bed and just crashed down beside it. He didn't want to bother or even try to express his dark thoughts to Blue already. He doesn't want to screw himself and everything up before it has even begun. As he laid in bed, Remus began clawing at his arms again, just wanting to feel something, feel the pain he knew he deserved. He just wanted to feel alive and not this numbness. The feeling of being broken beyond repair. But instead, he would never be fixed, he was a broken machine, a mistake some would say. As he dove deeper into the void in his head, he felt the vibration of his phone next to him. At that moment, he didn't care who it was. Whether it was Blue or Janus or his parents. He didn't care anymore. He just wanted to be alone.


	5. Chapter 5

Remus didn't remember falling asleep, but he woke up with tears stained on his face and dried blood on his arms. Gently picking up his phone with his shaky hands, he had 10 unread messages, 9 from Blue and 1 from Janus. 

Monday, March 7th, 2020 7:45 pm 

Janus: I proposed to Roman. He said yes. 

Monday, March 7th, 2020 10:25 pm

Remus: congrats happy 4 u both

He sighed and became envious of Janus and Roman's relationship. With a sigh, he opened Blue's messages. 

Monday, March 7th, 2020 2:30 pm

Blue: I always worry, you are my soulmate after all. 

Blue: I care for you Remus, and will always care for you. 

Blue: Hey Remus? 

Monday, March 7th, 2020 3:15 pm

Blue: Rem, my love, are you there? 

Blue: It's quite stupid the more I dwell on it, but I just feel like I should tell you and put my thoughts at ease. 

Monday, March 7th, 2020 4:45 pm

Blue: Remus? 

Monday, March 7th, 2020 6:30 pm

Blue: I....nevermind this is stupid. 

Monday, March 7th, 2020 8:55 pm

Blue: I hope you are okay Remus. 

Blue: Have a good night. Message me whenever. 

Monday, March 7th, 2020 10:30 pm

Remus: blue i am sorry i fell asleep n just saw these

Remus: r u okie

Remus stared at his phone, now feeling guilty for leaving Blue like that as well as worrying about what they were going to share with him. As he waited, he figured it would be best to get cleaned up and get some food, as the time read after 10:30 pm. He had slept for a while, much longer than he would like, but thank god it was a dream free sleep. 

He grabbed his phone and made his way first to the bathroom where he cleaned his arms and wrapped them up, in hopes that they wouldn't get infected again. But how he secretly hoped they did. To see the pus and blood and see them crusty and infected. To feel the pain and have to feel the doctors cut and clean them out fully. How he so longed for that, wait no. He shouldn't be thinking that. That was gross and so just sick. He concentrated on wrapping his arms and then cleaning his face, before leaving the bathroom and heading downstairs. Remus decided to make something quiet and simple, so a peanut butter and jelly sandwich was the perfect meal. He got everything out and was about to spread the peanut butter on the bread when he felt his phone go off. He quickly took it out, praying it was Blue. 

Monday, March 7th, 2020 10:55 pm

Blue: You're fine. Did you sleep well? 

Blue: To be completely honest with you, I'm not ok. I've just got myself questioning everything again and it is frustrating me to no end. I just want to have it figured out. 

Blue: Like I'm sure I know what I am, but I also catch myself repressing it and just praying to God that I'm just not that. 

Remus: i slept okie 

Remus: i get what u mean tho im the same way with how i am 

Remus: but i know i cant change it so 

Remus: im starting to learn to try n love who i am ya know 

Remus: who n whatever u r i will love u regardless i swear

Blue: I-thank you Remus, that truly means a lot. I'm glad that you are my soulmate, I already couldn't ask for a better one. I mean that. 

Blue: I wanna tell you but I wanna learn to better accept myself first if that's ok? 

Remus: that is a okie

Remus: take care of urself 1st 

Remus: ill still be here for u n supporting u 

Blue: ...Thank you, Remus. You really are the best someone could ask for. I think I'll call it a night if you don't mind. I've worn myself out. 

Blue: Goodnight my love. 

Remus: goodnight blue

Remus: sleep well dear

With that Remus put his phone back into his pockets smiling. For once in his life, he felt happy. He felt loved and important and they by god that he mattered. If this is the kind of feeling his soulmate would bring him, he would be just fine with it. But as he finished making the sandwich and ate, Remus realized something within himself. He was already falling hard for Blue. He already was so stupidly in love with them.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: This chapter contains mention of abuse along with the f-slur (though it is censored).

Remus went to bed Monday feeling good. He was happy and content, but little did he know that everything would come crashing down that morning. He was shaken awake at 5 am by his father, who Remus could tell was very drunk. 

"Will you wake up you filthy rat? Lord, you are just so freakin lazy as well." His father yelled at him, making Remus flinch as he slowly started moving from the bed. But before he could, his father grabbed him by his hair and dragged him out of bed. "Move faster, god that's why you need to stop eating so much. You are getting fat and slow and just utterly stupid." 

Remus was dragged from his bed to the kitchen, before being tossed to the ground like he was some doll. He winced as he hit the ground, and tried to get back up, but his father shoved him back down with his foot. "Listen up, when you are in this house and live under my roof, you either eat with your mother and me or you don't eat at all. And if you try this sneaking food crap again, you'll get a worse punishment. Now give me your arm. NOW!!" 

Remus was shaking as he gave his father his arm before his father snatched his wrist and held it down on the counter as he uncapped a sharpie. Remus tried to fight back and pull away from his father but he just was not strong enough. His father let him go and pushed him on the ground once more after he finished. "If you even think about wiping it off, you will regret it, you pig." 

W O R T H L E S S F * G G O T 

Remus limped back to his room, tears rolling down his face. He wanted so badly to wipe it away before his soulmate saw it. But he couldn't without his father releasing all hell onto him. Once he was back in his room, he grabbed his phone and quickly sent a text to Blue, least telling him not to take the writing to heart for it wasn't him.

Tuesday, March 8, 2020, 5:32 am 

Remus: blu pls donf take the wrings srsly 

Remus: it wasnt me

Remus didn't go back to sleep that night. Instead, he sat in his bed and cried. He stared into the abyss of his room, just lost in his thoughts and so desperately wishing darkness would consume him. He was tired and done with it all. He couldn't even enjoy a little happiness without his entire world crashing down. He prayed to God while he sat doing nothing, hoping Blue did not hate him. He was taken from his thoughts when he phone buzzed, showing a new message, as well as the time, was 8 am. 

Tuesday, March 8th, 2020, 8 am 

Blue: Remus, is everything ok? Are you ok? 

Remus: call me pls 

He didn't think Blue would be just couldn't type anymore without crying. He needed to talk and tell someone. And Blue was the only one he could count on right now. He couldn't wait till 10 am to tell Janus. As he stared at the black screen of his phone, waiting for the text no, he was surprised to see it light up with Blue calling him. He quickly hit the answer button. 

Remus, what's going on? Why is that written on you? Are you ok? I'm just. I'm worried. I woke up and could feel something was just wrong. 

Everything is wrong and just......I'm sorry 

I also just....can't breathe. 

Ok, alright. Just listen to the sound of my voice, alright? Breathe in for 4, hold for 8, and breathe out for 7. Ready? 

Remus let out a small mumble of a yes and listened to Blue as he did as he was told, slowly calming down and finally being able to concentrate on his surroundings and on fully processing that he was on the phone with Blue. That alone almost made him fall into another full-fledged panic attack. 

Remus? Are you there? Are you doing alright, you've gone quiet on me.

I....yeah I'm okie. Thank you...Blue.

It really means a lot and I just....thank you.

Of course, I'm always here to help. Are you going to be alright for classes today? 

Meh, but I just need out of the house at this point. 

I need some air and some time away from this cursed place.

Remus? 

Can I... canItakeyoutoclass? 

Wait, like pick me up from my house? Are you sure Blue?

Yeah, I'm sure. 

I wanna be there for you. 

More than just through the phone. 

My first class is at 1. Wanna grab lunch together beforehand? 

To say Remus' heart was pounding was an understatement. Remus was feeling so many things right now and just, he could meet Blue today. Finally learn how they are. So before he knew it he was saying yes, and giving Blue his address. He knew he was going to be missing his first class but he needed to rest some and shower. He bids Blue goodbye and off he goes to get ready to finally meet his soulmate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also I'm gonna go back later and fix the text convos. Sorry for any confusion until then.


	7. Chapter 7

After the morning mess, Remus was very much looking forward to this. Whether this was a date or just a chance to talk, Remus was excited. It gave him some strength to keep himself afloat even among the hardship of his home life. After the phone call before Remus took a shower or even left the floor of his room, he had to text Janus. 

Tuesday, March 8th, 2020, 10:09 am 

Remus: jan

Remus: im gonna meet soulm8 2day

Remus: ill see u l8r 

Janus: Ooo spill the details later. 

Janus: Roman and I are rooting for ya Rem! 

After texting Janus, Remus went to the bathroom quickly and quietly, locking the door. He sighed and stared at himself in the mirror, seeing the real mess he was. God, this is what Blue is stuck with? This is what Blue will see every day for the rest of their life? This mess of a person that he is. Heck, nothing about him is normal or ok. His life is a mess. He lives with an abusive father and a mother who just did nothing. A mind that is so dark and messed up, making him this evil being almost. Even if he would never act on his thoughts, they were still there. 

He was just nervous, as he stood under the hot water in the shower his mind just kept going to the worst-case scenario. He was scared, scared of what Blue would think of him once he got to know him. And scared of being hurt because Remus already knew he was falling hard and fast. He knew he was already in love, and yes they are soulmates after all, but he wasn't prepared to fall so quickly and like this. As he got lost in his thoughts and trying to picture who Blue could truly be, time passed quickly. Remus got out of the shower, seeing that the time now read a little after 11:45 am and several texts from Blue. 

Tuesday, March 8th, 2020, 11:00 am

Blue: Hey! I'll be by around noon so we can grab some food and have time to talk before my class at 1. Does that work? 

Tuesday, March 8th, 2020, 11:30 am

Blue: I'm on my way, will be early, I'll let you know when I'm outside your house. See you soon my love.

Tuesday, March 8th, 2020, 11:45 am

Blue: Hey, I'm outside. :) 

Remus: hey just got out of the shower 

Remus: be out soon :]

As soon as he sent the text, he quickly dried off and searched for some decent clothes. Nothing too over the top but something that would make a good first in-person impression. He found a silly button-down shirt with dinosaurs on it with a pair of black ripped jeans. He slid on his grey and green vans. He grabbed his bookbag and slid it over his shoulder, making sure he had his phone and wallet, already refusing to let Blue pay for him if anything he wanted to pay for them. He quickly ran down the stairs, shutting the door as quietly as possible behind him. 

He went to the car and opened the door, sitting in the passenger seat, buckling up before looking up and being met with bright blue eyes. His soulmate smiled at him before speaking. "Hey, Remus."


	8. Chapter 8

"Hey Remus," his soulmate, Logan spoke out. Of course, he knew who it was. He knew Logan, they were in a class together last semester, even in the same group. Did he find him attractive? Oh heck yes he did. And now staring into beautiful eyes, everything just made sense. 

He smiled at Logan, "It's you." Was all he was able to get out. He gently put his hand on their cheek. "It's really you...I've just...it's so good to see you. I wasn't sure if....nevermind. So uhh lunch?" Logan nodded, starting back up the car. 

"Yeah, what are you in the mood for? I'm alright with anything, just as long as there are some vegetarian options for me." He hesitated, quickly glancing over at Remus, before adding, "If of course, that's ok?" 

"Of course that's okie! I want you to be able to eat and not have to go the entire day running off no food. I'm alright with anything honestly, not much of a picky eater." Logan nods at his response and drives, silence filling the car. 

"You aren't disappointed are you?" Logan questioned, fidgeting with the steering wheel cover. Remus looked over at him, reaching over and gently touching his hand. "No Logan, I'm not. Out of anyone, I'm glad it's you. I'm glad you are my soulmate. That you are Blue. I'm just...so grateful." Logan took one hand off the wheel, holding Remus' hand. He pulled into a parking space, putting the car into park before looking at him. 

"I'm glad you are. I'm grateful it's you too. I've known since biology last semester. I saw your arm and a message I left and was just taken back that I found you like that. I wanted to tell you then, but I was afraid. I wasn't planning on telling you this soon either, but I just, I felt that you needed to know and a part of me has just been dying to tell you. I feel....incomplete without you and just need you apart of my life Remus." Remus held Logan's hand gently, taking in all that he said. He searched the boy's face, to see if he meant what he said or was just spilling things out to help Remus feel better after that morning events. The only thing he saw on his soulmate's face was love and sincerity. 

"Logan, I'm just...I'm at a loss for words. I just, I never really wanted a soulmate, but just the messages you left and the love you've shown me before and now just makes me so glad to have one...to have it be you of all people. I just...I know it's too early to say but I just adore you, Logan, so very much." Remus stared at Logan and just took in all of his beauty. He saw Logan start to tear up before quickly speaking up,

"As much I'm adoring this moment with you my dear, I do believe we have some delicious food calling our name and classes later to attend. So shall we go?" Remus smiled and nodded, sadly having to let go of Logan's hand to be able to open the door and exit the car. As soon as he got out, he waited for Logan, who grabbed his hand again gently, intertwining their fingers. "Is it ok if I hold your hand in public? My apologies I should have asked first." He said slowly pulling his hand away, but Remus held it tightly, giving Logan the signal that it was ok. So hand in hand both boys walked into the restaurant a new future ahead of them.


	9. Chapter 9

Lunch together for the first time with Logan was Remus' new favorite thing. It was so pure and perfect. Sitting across from his soulmate talking and laughing as if they had known each other for years. They both talked and laughed about anything and everything. They almost lost track of time, almost. Logan, Remus had learned is very strict and on with schedules. At 12:45 pm on the dot, he told Remus that had to get going so he could make it to class on time, with some time to spare. The entire time to campus, they both held hands, happy as could be. Almost invincible, even as Remus walked Logan to his class, they held hands. 

Before Logan walked through the double doors to class, he looked at Remus and quietly spoke, "I had a great time. Do you wanna hang out some more after classes? We don't have to but I just have really enjoyed finally seeing you and being able to spend time with you."

Remus nodded, smiling like a hopeless idiot. "Of course, what time are you done with classes and which building, I can meet ya there. My last class ends at 3." 

"I'll be in Bentley and the class ends at 4:30, is that ok?" 

"Yeah, of course, Logan, I'll see you then. Remus said, sadly letting go of Logan's hand so he could go to class. "I'll see ya later Remus," Logan spoke before walking inside. Remus stood there for a few minutes not wanting to leave yet. Remus really had no intention of going to class that day, he needed to talk with Janus and stat. And since he knew Jan's schedule by heart he knew he could meet up now.

Tuesday, March 8th, 2020, 1:00 pm 

Remus: meet me @ library 

Remus: asap

With that, Remus started the walk to the library, a pep in his step. He was so happy and nothing could ruin his day now. He arrived at the library in no time, going to his and Jan's usual spot. When he got there Janus was already there with Roman by his side. Both were smiling at Remus, giving him a particular look meaning they were ready for some details. 

"So..." started Janus, " You met your soulmate?" Janus winked at him, making him blush and nod. "What's there name, tell us about them, Remus, please. We've been dying to know all day." Roman spoke out, speaking over whatever Janus was trying to say. 

"Okie, okie fine I shall tell. Usually not one to kiss and tell but I suppose I can spill a little bit," Remus chuckled before continuing to speak. "His name is Logan..." 

"Wait, LOGAN IS YOUR SOULMATE?!?! That nerdy kid??" Roman yelled out, cause a bunch of people nearby to shush him. 

"Yes that nerdy kid, but I'm so grateful he is my soulmate so watch it, Roman." Remus snapped at the boy, not letting talk bad about his soulmate. He would not put up with that at all. He could see Roman tense up and Janus gently grab his hand, whispering to him. Janus then looked at Remus. 

"He didn't mean anything by it, Remus. You know he doesn't like the be yelled at like that, you are just like your father in that manner." Janus spoke out harshly, his words stabbing Remus in the chest. That was the one thing he didn't want to become was his father and in the time to just stick up for the one he loved he just turned into the monster he feared the most. 

So with that, Remus left. He got up and walked out not saying a word, knowing if he even muttered goodbye he would break down crying, and he was not giving Janus the satisfaction of knowing his words stung. All Janus would do is make him feel worse for defending himself. He heard Roman and Janus call out as he left, but he kept walking, the tears beginning to roll down his face. He walked away from the library quickly, going to find a quiet place alone. He just wanted to be left alone. 

He gets on a good thing only to lose everything else. And at the end of the day, he hoped and prayed that won't have to choose what to keep and what to lose, for there was truly no winning in this scenario.


	10. Chapter 10

Remus just sat amongst the trees that outlined the edge of campus lost in his own thoughts. He grabbed out a sharpie from his bag and just began doodling on his arm. He knew Logan would see them, but he didn't care. It was just gonna be harmless drawings to keep him from doing things that would cause harm. 

Are you ok Remus? You never once in the past 20 years drawn on your arms so I wanted to just check up on you. 

Remus saw that Logan had written on his arm under a picture of a skull with snakes coming out of it. He simply responded with a yeah before continuing to draw. He really didn't want to say any more of that, at least written on his skin, for the entire world to see. A chance for Janus to see and just flip his lid even more. He soon grabbed out his headphones and put them, deciding to listen to music. He saw on the clock that he still had a while before Logan would be done with class. 

The music, as Remus would find out was an awful idea. It only seemed to upset and hurt him even more. He could feel himself falling deep into the void of his thoughts. Nothing ever seemed to go according to plan? It was like he was destined to fail. Destined to never be fully content and happy with how his life turned out. He gained and found his soulmate, but at what cost? 

As he fell down the rabbit hole of his thoughts, he faintly felt his phone buzz, alerting him that he had messages. Remus tried to focus enough to be able to read the messages, just hoping they weren't from Janus or Roman. Luckily, he could see it was from Logan. 

Tuesday, March 8th, 2020, 2:32 pm 

Logan ♥: Are you doing ok, truthfully. 

Logan ♥: The drawings on your skin are quite alarming to me. 

Logan ♥: Remus, darling? 

Remus couldn't seem to get himself to type. He just couldn't. He didn't want to bring this all onto Logan, more so since he was in class and had classes. He just wanted things to be ok. Though, at the same time, he yearned to feel Logan's arms around him. Comforting him and just letting him know that all would be ok. That all the negative things going on in his life were only temporary. 

As he tried to calm himself down enough to respond to Logan, he felt a hand gently touch his shoulder. 

"Hey, are you ok? I saw you over here and you didn't look good." The voice spoke out. Remus tried to get a look of them but he just couldn't f o c u s. He just shook his head no, not sure what to expect or happen. 

"Ok, breathe in for 4, then hold for 8. Then exhale for 7, and just keep doing that and just listen to my voice. You are going to be ok." The voice spoke out, softer this time. He did as he was told, slowly feeling himself crawl back up from the hole he fell into. He also listened to the voice speaking to him. 

"I'm Virgil by the way. Psychology Major, I was leaving class and usually walk this way, my car is parked near here. Most don't use it cause how far away everything is, so bonus for me. How are you feeling?" Virgil spoke out, Remus looking back at him, finally able to make out facial features and to see the person talking in front of him. 

"I'm....I'm okie. Better than I was anyway. Uhhh.....thanks Virgil. I'm Remus by the way." He offered out his hand, shaking ever so slightly. Virgil took his hand and shook it. 

"Not a problem, glad I could help. Uhh if you ever need anything or help again, feel free to give me a call. Let me write down my number." Virgil grabbed out paper and a pen, scribbling down their number before handing it to him. "I'm almost always available. So don't hesitate to call or text, whichever. But hey, I gotta go, but talk to you later Remus?" 

Remus nodded and bid his goodbyes as Virgil left. After that, he quickly put their in his phone before getting back to Logan's messages.

Tuesday, March 8th, 2020, 4:01 pm 

Logan ♥: Remus, please answer

Logan ♥: I'm really starting to worry. 

Logan ♥: You've stopped drawing. 

Logan ♥: Just please be safe and message me when you can. 

Remus: hey sorry

Remus: i uh stuff happened

Remus: p sure i had a panic attack 

Remus: or somethin

Remus: im okie now i think

Logan ♥: Oh thank god, you are ok. 

Logan ♥: Where are you? 

Logan ♥: You are more important right now then this class. 

With that, Remus told Logan where he was at and just waited. Trying to not get lost in the void of his mind once more.


	11. Chapter 11

It surprisingly took no time for Logan to get to where he was at. Remus stood up from the patch of dirt he was sitting in and went to go speak, but was engulfed into a hug. He, of course, hugged back tightly, not wanting to let go. He nuzzled his face into Logan's neck, just taking in the moment, enjoying it as long as he could. 

"Are you doing ok, Remus? I've been so worried and I rushed here as quickly as I could." Logan spoke, his voice barely above that of a whisper. As if he would break him if he spoke any louder. Remus nodded slightly, keeping a tight grip on his soulmate. He just hung onto Logan, wanting things to be ok. 

"I'm here now, it's alright. I've got you." Logan said, rubbing his back, holding him closely. "Do you wanna come back to my place for a little bit? We can talk about what happened if you want or just hang out either one works for me." Logan pulled away slightly, looking at Remus. Remus looked him in the eyes and nodded before staring down at his hands. He slowly put his hand in his lovers as Logan led him to his car. As they made it to the car, Logan let Remus into the car before going around and getting into the driver's seat. 

The drive to Logan's place was quiet. Remus wanted to say something but was honestly too scared. Instead, he put his head against the window and just watched everything pass by. At one point, he did feel Logan intertwine his fingers with his. The drive to Logan's place was a long one, longer than Remus would have thought. But eventually, they arrived outside the apartment complex. As the was slowly down Remus wanted to just throw himself out of the moving vehicle. But, of course he didn't, just squeezed Logan's hand tighter. 

After they both got out of the car, Logan led him instead and up to his floor where he lived. Logan unlocked the door and let Remus in. "Welcome. Feel free to make yourself at home. I'm just going to put my stuff away in my room and change and then I'll be right back." Logan said, before making his way to the bedroom, leaving Remus alone. 

Remus glanced around, his curiosity eating at him to check everything out but another side of him wanted to respect Logan's privacy. So of course, he just sat down on the floor against a wall and looked around him. He took note of how different Logan lived then him. While his house was a mess and always looked trashed, Logan was neat and organized. Everything had its own place and space to occupy. As Remus got caught up in looking around, taking in every little detail he could, Logan had come out of his bedroom and sat next to Remus. 

Remus ended up realizing Logan was there and decided to lay his head on his shoulder, curling up close to his side. Logan wrapped his arm around him, pulling him closer. "Hey, Logan?" Remus asked, tears forming in his eyes. 

"Yeah, what is it, Remus?" Logan questioned, looking down at his soulmate. 

"You won't ever leave me, right? You'll always be here and we will always be together as soulmates. Like not get torn apart, right?" Tears began streaming down his face, overwhelmed but emotions and his own mind betraying him with lies of overthinking. 

Logan sat up and turned to face him. "Remus, I will always be right by your side. I will stick with you through thick and thin. You are my soulmate, my second half. I love you. Even if the sky is falling, and the sun doesn't want to shine. If the stars we used to wish on, disappear into the night. Well, I can move a mountain, but only with you by my side. I know you'll always be there. And so will I, I'll always be here. I'm not going anywhere." Logan wiped his tears away and slowly kissed him. "I've always been afraid to show and express how I feel growing up...scared that when I found you I wouldn't be able to express anything. I was scared I would be like everyone else in my family. Robotic and emotionless. But when I began writing to you for the first time I learned I wouldn't be. I loved you before I even knew you. I loved you when I learned it was you and I love you now. I want to love you today, tomorrow, and forever Remus. If you'll let me, of course."

Remus couldn't help but cry more, the tears more of love and overwhelmed by the feeling of being wanted. "Logan...I..." 

Logan cut him off, "I'm sorry that was a lot and probably overwhelming for you. You don't have to feel the same now or even say anything, I can and will wait for you..."

Without any thought, Remus kissed him. "Logan I love you so freaking much." And with that Logan pulled him in for another kiss.


	12. Chapter 12

Remus ended up staying the night with Logan. It originally was not his for he knew his dad would not take it well but he made up a good enough lie and excuse. He ended up telling his dad he got a tutor and would be out all night studying, even sent a picture as proof with all types of textbooks and notebooks out to make it more believable. The most shocking thing was, is that his dad bought it. 

Remus suggested taking the couch, but Logan said it was ok for them to share the bed if Remus was comfortable with that, and of course, he was. He secretly was dying to be able to snuggle and sleep beside Logan. 

The night went good, took Remus no time last night to fall asleep, and for the first time in a long time, he slept all night. He woke up to the shower running and the space beside him empty. Remus sat up and stretched, checking the time on his phone. He had a few missed texts from his father but no calls or texts from Roman or Janus. They both are still probably ticked about the library incident yesterday. What was Remus supposed to do, let them talk trash about HIS soulmate? No. He would not stand for that. People can talk crap about him all they want, he was used to it but no one was gonna do the same to Logan. He would make sure of that. 

Remus stayed in bed, wanting to take in the moment, knowing it was going to end. And who knows when he would get this opportunity again. He must have dozed back off cause he woke up again to Logan, shaking him awake. 

"I made some breakfast, didn't know what you would like so just made a little bit of everything," Logan spoke a small smile on his face as he leaned down and kissed Remus. This caused Remus to kiss him back, smiling like an idiot. 

"Good morning Lo, I'm sure whatever you made will be amazing," Remus spoke, slowly rolling off the bed onto the floor, slowly pull Logan down with him. He laid on the floor, Logan laying on top of him rolling his eyes. 

"Was that really necessary?" Logan questioned, trying to sound annoyed but failing. Remus just nodded in response, grinning like a mad man. Logan got up and offered him his hand but Remus just rolled across the floor to the doorway. "Remus, I love you but what the hell are you doing?" This just caused Remus to bust out laughing as he turned himself vertical and pushed himself out of the bedroom and rolled his way to the kitchen. "I'm worm." Is all Remus said before pushing himself off the floor and plopping onto a share at the table. 

Logan just stared at him, his face showing no real emotion or feeling as he sat down across from him. "Anyway, feel free to help yourself to whatever you want."

Remus and Logan ate in silence for a bit before Remus had to ask the question that had slowly begin burning a hole straight through his brain all morning. He was just nervous to ask for he did not wanna come across as needy or clingy. Just in general he felt bad for basically asking for validation of whether or not Logan really meant what he said last night. And it just wasn't him saying it all in the moment. Cause god he really loved him and he just yearned for someone, for him, to feel the same way. He sighed and took another bite of the hashbrowns before speaking up. 

"Logan, I just I know this is probably silly and just outright stupid to ask but I just... I need to know. Did you mean everything you said last night? As he spoke he fidgeted with his hands, scratching the skin open on the palm of the hand. He felt the sting but just kept on going every second that Logan didn't answer the more Remus grew nervous. As Remus fell deeper into the darkness of his mind, he missed Logan getting up and walking over to him. 

Logan got down on his knees and grabbed Remus's hands, holding them gently. Planting small kisses on top of them. "Remus, darling. Can you look at me please?" Logan whispered out causing Remus to come back to reality and looked down at Logan. "Thank you. Remus, I meant everything I said and will mean everything I saw. I love you, Remus. I don't know what goes on in your head and what lies your own brain is sending you but they are not true. I love you. I am here and I am not going anywhere." 

With that Remus leaned down and hugged Logan tightly. "God I'm sorry. I just...I had to ask. I...I love you too." 

After the hug, Logan and Remus finished up breakfast before Logan gave Remus some clothes to wear before heading off to campus. The entire ride to school, Remus hoped and prayed things would get better and go ok. He just wanted one day where nothing went wrong. That's all he asked for. He squeezed Logan's hand, knowing that at least with Logan by his side and in his life, nothing could go wrong.


	13. Chapter 13

Logan and Remus arrived at campus before noon. Logan asked him if Remus wanted to join him and some friends for lunch later if of course, he wasn't in class. Remus agreed, nervous to meet Logan's friends but deep down knew it would be good for him to extend his friend group, more so after the events of yesterday with Janus and Roman. 

Remus went through his lecture bored out of his mind and zoning out. His mind ran to all sorts of places, good and bad, but nothing too memorable or terrible. Just the normal constant flow of thoughts. Time just seemed to slow down as he sat there, not really caring for this class. It was just another useless class required to graduate and get a degree. 

His mind mostly was racing about meeting Logan's friends. He was nervous, to say the least, mostly just afraid of what they would think of him. Would they think as poorly of him just as Janus and Roman thought of Logan? He knew things would probably turn out fine but there was just that bit of anxiety that was eating at him from the inside out. 

The voices in his head rang loud telling him every worst-case scenario that could happen. Saying everything that Logan's friends would think of him. They all rang out so loud. Remus tried to focus elsewhere, to at least get himself back into a safer less chaotic head state but it seemed like it was pointless and not going to happen. The attack in his head reigned on, even after the class had finished leaving him a little free time before the lunch meeting. 

He walked around campus blaring music loudly into his ears. He so desperately wanted to message Logan and just get some words of affirmation to know everything would be ok but then again he also felt like a bother and that he would just be annoying Logan asking for that. So Remus did what he has learned to do and has kept his mouth shut. 

Suddenly Remus remembered Virgil and decided to text him hoping that would help get him mind off the war inside his head. 

Wednesday, March 9th 2020, 12:57 pm 

Remus: hey virgil 

Remus: u busy

Virgil: no what's up? 

Virgil: you good? 

Remus: just need 2 talk

Remus: bad head

Remus: sorry 

Virgil: no you're ok 

Virgil: what's going on in your head? 

Virgil: if it's ok for me to ask 

Virgil: don't want to pry any

And with that Remus spilled. He wrote out all of his fears about the rapidly approaching lunch meeting. How he was afraid he didn't deserve this with Logan and how he was afraid it would all just end. To Remus it seemed that Virigl listened and took in every word he said. He gave some feedback and helped calm Remus down enough just as the time hit for the lunch meet up. He was grateful to hopefully have some friendship with him. 

So with that Remus made his way semi confidently to the place where all of them would meet up for lunch. Having absolutely no idea what was in store for him.


	14. Chapter 14

Remus' stomach turned as he made his way to the cafeteria area where Logan had told him they would all be at. As the building got closer Remus just wanted to run away and hid, hell he would even go home cause that seemed much better than this. But he knew this would mean a lot to Logan and as much as it killed him, he entered the building. He texted Logan that he was here and asked where he should go. He waited for a response, trying to keep calm and focus his thoughts elsewhere. 

Remus must have zoned out because before he knew it someone had grabbed ahold of his arm. Per instinct, he quickly moved away, scared of who had just touched him. After getting some distance he saw it was only Logan. 

"God, I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was you and I just panicked." Remus said, moving closer back to Logan, reaching out for his hand. Logan gently grabbed it back, looking at him up and down almost as if he was searching for some answer. 

"It's quite alright. Are you ready to go and meet everyone?" Logan asked, coming off different than he had this morning. Remus knew he shouldn't dwell on it too much but his mind had other plans and started causing more chaos in his brain then before. Remus nodded though as Logan led the way, holding his hand loosely. As they approached the table Logan dropped his hand and smiled at the folks at the table. "Remus these are my friends. Fellow companions of mine, this is my soulmate; Remus." 

Remus smiled and sat down next to Logan. One by one they all introduced themselves. The first one to do so was a sassy man who referred to himself as Remy. He was currently switching between an energy drink and coffee, as if either or was not enough. Though as sassy as he was, he seemed nice and meant well. 

The next few were some friends of Remy, who just did not wanna be alone for lunch today and joined the group. They were all nice overall, but gave off the same kind of vibe as Remy as well as the kind Janus gave off. Just thinking of Janus made hurt but Remus knew he had to just let him go. That it was not good to hold on to someone who clearly just did not care about anyone but himself. 

The last fellow at the table was someone named Patton. He almost looked like Logan in a way, similar glasses. The hair was also similar, just quite a bit lighter. Patton's was blonde while Logan's was almost completely brown. Patton shook Remus' hand and smiled. "Pleased to meet ya Remus! We've heard nothing but good things about you. Well at least since you finally let poor Logan here know you existed." Remy elbowed Patton after that comment and gave him a dirty glare. 

"It's uhh good to meet you all too. Logan has spoke highly of you all. I can see why, you all are pretty amazing people." Remus said, faking a smile. 

He was trying to put on the show of enjoyment and that he wanted to be here but honestly, he hated it. Patton rubbed him the wrong way and he just he didn't feel like he fit in here. He felt like a monster. He didn't eat, he was hungry but after the comment and Logan turning almost robotic he couldn't get himself to eat. Lunch continued on for a while and Remus, well he was left in the background. Remy tried to get him included in the conversations but Patton just changed the subject or spoke over top of him. Remus kept sending desperate pleas for help to Logan but was left with silence. 

Finally, Remus had enough. He quietly bid his goodbyes, making up some lie of an excuse just to get out of there. He was upset and mad and his head was screaming at him and he couldn't take it. He needed Logan but clearly Logan didn't need him right now. He left the cafeteria with tears in his eyes. 

Remus was never a runner, he couldn't stand it. He hated the feeling of knowing how out of shape he was. But today, today Remus ran like he never had before. He ran home not caring about his father. He just needed to be away from university, from the people there for a while. His house, regardless of how unsafe it was, was a safe haven in it's own way at the moment. 

As Remus lied in his bed, questioning everything he knew and listening to every little word his mind had to give. As the war in his head continued on, Remus slowly fell into a dreamless sleep.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Remus thoughts, breakdown, mentions of self harm

emus woke up to the sound of a door slamming. He knew it was his father and honestly at this particular moment he didn't care. He just laid in bed, staring at the ceiling, just questioning anything and everything. He heard his father yelling and cursing at who knows what, but as long as his father stayed out of his room, he could continue yelling all night for all Remus cared. 

Eventually, Remus did check his phone to see several missed texts. The majority of them from Logan but a few were from Virgil. At that moment, Remus really just wanted to talk to Virgil, so with that he pulled up the messages. 

Virgil: hey, how did lunch go? 

Virgil: you doing ok? 

Virgil: remus, are you there? 

Remus: it went 

Remus: i just wanna cry 

Remus: i just

Remus: idk sorry

Virgil: what happened? 

Virgil: are you ok? 

Remus: god no

Remus: i never am 

Remus: i was 4 a moment

Remus: but its just a effing moment

Remus: my head is loud

Remus: for once i think every thing is right

Remus: i just 

Remus: im sorry

Virgil: can I call you? 

Remus: idc

As soon as the message sent Remus' phone began to ring, it was Virgil. 

"Hey Remus. Thanks for answering. What happened? If you don't mind me askign. We don't have to talk about it but you just don't seem ok right now and I just wanted to check on you." 

Tears swelled in his eyes and with a shaky voice he answered, "It went awful Virgil. My head is so loud and I don't even know what's right and wrong and what actually happened anymore. Its all twisted in my head, but I just know it did not go well." 

"Oh Remus. I'm so-"

Remus cut him off as a sob escaped and a series of tearful words came loose as well. "Logan. I think. I think sometime happened. I don't know what though. He was so different and distant and just I felt so helpless. Like god I know I am but with him, I thought I wasn't. He made it seem like I was an actual ok person, but guess I to am just another fucking monster in his eyes."

Remus only sobbed some more, hoping for some words from Virgil, but was only met with silence. "God, accepting the call was a mistake. I'm sorry Virgil."

"Remus wa-"

Remus hung up not letting Virgil finish. He just needed to be alone. The quiet and loneliness were always there for him. They were there in the beginning and they would be there in the end. He threw his phone across the room, just needing to be alone. Needing a moment without a world of stupid soulmates. He just needed to be alone. He sat up in bed, pulling his legs close to his chest, just letting the tears stream down his face. 

He could feel himself digging his nails into his hands just wanting to know he wasn't a monster. That the voices and war that reigned on in his head made him just as human as everyone else. That he could be loved by someone regardless. 

Remus sobbed for what seemed like hours. Luckily his father never once entered the room, making things a bit more bareable. Remus was so caught up in his mind. Everything was yelling at him to do so many horrible things. Things he knew are deemed as inhumane. But he just felt so drawn and compelled to go through with it all. He wanted to know the feeling of throwing himself in front of busy traffic. Like sitting at the bottom of a swimming pool with bricks tied to his legs. Like just offing himself from this town, hell maybe even this world. He just was so tired. God he just wanted to sleep forever. 

And as so many thoughts raced through his head, he slowly shifted farther down in his bed and fell asleep once more. Going to his own world where things were different and ok.


	16. Chapter 16

Several days had past and Remus had hardly left his room. He only left to go to the bathroom and grab some food on occasion. His phone had yet to be touched since the phone call with Virgil. He was not in the mood to really talk with anyone, he didn't want to have to put a mask on and act like things were fine right now, cause everything was far from fine. He knew it was stupid to be upset as something as minor as the lunch incident as well as how Logan had acted but his emotions on a good day were hard to control. Right now, it was damn near impossible. 

He didn't care about the classes he was missing or the possibility of his grades dropping for incomplete assignments and attendance. He cared about Logan and Virgil and how both of them were feeling. He wondered if Virgil could ever forgive him for the outburst and then just completely ghosting him for almost a week now. He wondered if Logan had really noticed his absence or if he really cared that he had also ghosted him. 

He was tempted to just check his phone and just see if anyone had spoke of his disappearance. And eventually the temptation got the best of him. He wanted so badly to look at Logan's text first but was scared of what he would see. He sighed and picked up the phone, which surprisingly was not broken. Though, it was dead so he carried it over to the charger next to his bed and plugged it in. As soon as it powered on, he watched the number of messages and missed calls fill his screen. He had 10 missed calls, 15 unread texts from Virgil, and over 20 from Logan. 

Logan ♥: Thank you for lunch!

Logan ♥: They all loved you.

Logan ♥: I knew they would. You are very loveable. 

Logan ♥: I love you, Remus. Hope class goes well. 

Logan ♥: How was class? 

Logan ♥: Wanna do dinner tonight? 

Logan ♥: Guess not, everything okay? 

Logan ♥: Remus, are you alright? 

Logan ♥: I'm worried...

Logan ♥: Please answer when you can.

Logan ♥: Please text me or answer my calls.

Logan ♥: Did I do something wrong? 

Logan ♥: Please if I did something wrong, please tell me. 

Logan ♥: Remus... 

Logan ♥: Do you need space? 

Logan ♥: Please just give me some sign you are okay. 

Logan ♥: Remus it's been 4 days now. 

Logan ♥: Please be okay. 

Logan ♥: I miss you. 

Logan ♥: I really hope you are okay. 

Logan ♥: I'll leave you alone now.

Logan ♥: I am sorry for whatever I've done. Please don't block me out though. Just talk to me when you want and get the chance. We can talk and figure it out. I love you Remus. I don't want to lose you for something stupid. 

Logan ♥: Be safe. 

Remus: im fine 

Remus: sorry 4 the worry

After Remus sent a response to Logan and waited for the inevitable reply and the conversation that was bound to follow, he decided to message and save a friendship. If it wasn't too late to save it, that is. 

Virgil: remus, can we please talk? 

Virgil: you don't have to be alone through this. 

Virgil: if you need someone I am here. 

Virgil: i'll listen and help anyway I can. 

Virgil: please, just stay safe. 

Virgil: hey it's been a few days. haven't seen you around campus. you ok? 

Virgil: i've seen logan, he doesn't look good. i guess you just need some space right now. 

Virgil: take all the time you need, I know I will be here for you when you are ready to talk. 

Virgil: you aren't alone remus. 

Virgil: you are loved. 

Virgil: you matter

Virgil: you are my friend and I care for you. 

Virgil: I don't hate you or think you are a monster. whatever the voices in your head say to you, they are lying. I think you are a great person and friend. i'm glad we met. I hope I can see you soon. or at least talk to you. 

Virgil: stay safe remus. 

Virgil: talk to you soon. 

Remus: hey virgil

Remus: sorry 4 just leaving 

Remus: im alive tho

Remus: i just

Remus: i needed 2 b alone

Remus: im sorry

Before Remus could even leave the messages, Virgil replied. 

Virgil: oh thank god. 

Virgil: i'm so glad you are ok.

Virgil: I was so worried.

Virgil: was just about to start the stalking party to make sure you were ok. 

Virgil: kidding kidding

Virgil: i'm glad you are alive and well though remus. truly. 

Virgil: i'm about to take a nap, but hope we can call afterwards

Virgil: or at least text. 

Virgil: talk to you soon remus. stay safe!

Remus: talk 2 u l8 my friend

With that, Remus left the messages, checking to see if Logan had replied yet, but so far there was nothing. So with that he went and cleared the call log that was filled with the 10 missed calls. 8 of the 10 were from Virgil, while 2 of them were from his soulmate. To say he was surprised to see that Virgil had called so much, yet his own soulmate hardly called made the voices start back up again, but he just pushed the voices away, not wanting to deal with any of it. 

It hurt though, for all he wanted was to hesr from Logan. Hell, Remus wouldn't even mind if it was just Logan yelling at him and calling him some sort of monster or freak. He just yearned for his soulmate. Even after everything, he just wanted to feel loved and as if he mattered.

The connection between soulmates was strong and he knew that Logan had to be feeling it too. The sense of a missing piece. The emptiness and loneliness it brought. And though Remus loved to be alone, he hated the type of loneliness he felt now when Logan was not next to him.

Needless to say, Remus ended up paying back and forth in his room, just waiting for some text from Logan. Eventually, he decided to open the messages between him and Logan. He was going to send another message or two. But as he went to type a message, he saw that Logan had read his messages. This only caused tears to form in his eyes as he stared at the screen. God, he was so stupid.

Remus: if u dont want 2 be

Remus: uh

Remus: if u dont want this anymore

Remus: pls just tell me

Remus: i will let u go

Remus: just text me

L

ogan ❤: Meet me at the coffee shop on campus.

Logan ❤: 4pm today.

Logan ❤: We can talk then.

Remus replied with an ok and prepared for the meeting. He didn't have a lot of time so he quickly showered, for he hadn't done so in several days. He put on the nicest thing he could find. And ordered an Uber, for he wasn't in the mood to walk.

The Uber arrived rather quickly and the closer he got to campus the more sick he was feeling. He had such a bad feeling that he couldn't quite shake. He tried to calm himself, feeding himself optimistic lies that everything would be ok. That he would be ok. That his and Logan's relationship would be ok and saved.

The Uber pulled up the to curb beside the coffee shop and Remus got out, hands shaking. He took a deep breath as he walked in the coffee shop, glancing around for Logan. His heart stopped as he saw Logan with Patton. Saw both of them leaning over a table, kissing.


	17. Chapter 17

For the second time in his life, Remus ran. He just needed to get away. Watching his soulmate kissing someone else, clearly happy with someone who was not him, broke his heart. He hated the idea of soulmates long ago, but when he met Logan the thought and idea made him warm and happy inside. But now? Now he despised love. He hated soulmates.

Remus kept running until his legs gave out. He collapsed on the side of the road, a sob escaping. Why did it hurt so badly? Was he just not good enough? Was he really a monster and just too much to handle? Of course, he would go to Patton of all people. Patton was better than him in all aspects. He was smarter. He was more social and actually had friends and people who wanted to be around him. Patton probably had parents who loved him. A mom who actually gave him love and caring words. A mom who would stand up for him. He probably had a dad who didn't let his anger and frustration out on him and his mom. Who didn't send slurs and curse words his way. A father who actually wanted to get to know him and supported him for who he was. 

It hurt Remus when he saw Logan and Patton kissing but if Patton made Logan happy, even if they weren't soulmates, he would let them be. It pained him but god he just wanted him to be happy. He no longer cared about his own well being, he just wanted his soulmate, well ex soulmate, to be happy. That's all he ever wanted was for the ones he cares about to be happy, even if he was in misery. 

Remus sat there a bit longer, letting his thoughts run wild. It was beginning to get dark and he wanted to go home. He needed to go home, he had to pack a bag. He needed to get away. He needed to go some place where no one would dare to look and find him. He needed a place where Logan couldn't find him. So he made his way home, praying and hoping his father had gone out or was asleep. When he did get home, he saw his father's truck gone and inside was only met with the soft snores of his mother sleeping on the couch. The tv playing quietly in the background, some early 2000s sitcom on the screen. He went and pressed a small kiss on his mother's forehead before heading up to his room. 

In his room he grabbed a duffle bag and his backpack. He quickly shoved clothes in the duffle bag, mostly his favorite shirts and pants. Along with underwear and some small toiletries he knew he needed to take. He also managed to shove a lighter and a hidden pack of cigarettes he stored away for when he would need them most. In his backpack he put his laptop and its charger along with his cellphone charger and headphones. He lastly stuffed his favorite blanket inside, making it nearly impossible to zip the bag up. He sighed, glancing around the room, checking to make sure he grabbed the essential items. Since he had no idea when he planned to come back here. He needed space and though he wasn't sure how it would go, there was a place he knew would be safe for him to go. 

He grabbed his phone out and quickly pulled up the contact and pushed the call button. The phone rang several times, making Remus nervous as whether or not he was going to pick up. Before the last ring the call was answered. 

"Listen, I know there is a lot to say and explain, but uhh... stuff happened." Remus could feel the tears starting up again, but he continued to push through. "I need a place to stay. I need away for a while and you are the one person I know I could turn too. Can you just please come pick me up?"

There was a long pause on the other end before Remus heard the jingling of keys and the man on the other end replied. "I'll be there in 15 minutes. You will explain in the car though. We both have a lot of talking and explaining to do. I'll see you soon Remus."

Remus sighed and smiled sadly. "Thank you, we can talk all you want. Just, thank you. I'll see you soon. Bye Janus." And with that the call disconnected and Remus waited alone in his room, one last time.


	18. Chapter 18

Janus arrived and picked Remus up in no time. The first few moments of the car ride was silent. Neither one of the boys speaking. For Remus, he was mostly afraid to speak, knowing he would just start sobbing again plus he wasn't even quite sure what to say. It had been quite a while since Janus and him spoke last, the last time being the outburst in the library.

Janus cleared his throat breaking the silence. "Remus, I'm sorry for what happened in the library. It was uncalled for and Roman does feel pretty shitty about it."

Remus nodded mumbling out an okay, giving Janus a small smile, or tried too.

"It isn't okay. That was unnecessary and that is your soulmate and both of us should have respected that and been happy for you. So I'm sorry Remus, I really am. I hope you can forgive me and we can go back to being friends." Janus quickly turned to Remus, offering a sad smile before focusing back on the road.

"Janus, I forgave you and Roman. I just got worked up and upset cause it was my soulmate. It was stupid to get upset over and lash out, so I'm also sorry." Remus spoke, his words coming out as a loud whisper. Janus pulled into his driveway and parked the car, before leaning over and giving Remus a hug. Remus so desperately needed that, hugged back tightly.

"Come on, let's go inside. Roman is dying to see you. And then we can talk more about what's going on." Janus said as he turned off the car and got out. Remus got out, grabbing his stuff and heading to the entrance of Janus and Roman's house.

Remus glanced around the house as he walked inside. He could hear Janus faintly speaking to him about how the guest room is set up for him and he could make himself at home for the time being. He felt his head becoming loud and felt dam of tears about to break lose again. Before he knew it, he was back on the floor, sobbing. It hurt so badly. His heart was broken and he just wanted Logan, even if Logan didn't want him.

Janus and Roman were by his side as he cried, curling up in Janus' side. Both of them rubbing his back and trying to comfort their friend. They all sat there in the middle of the floor for a while, the only sounds were some affirming words from Janus, Roman humming softly, and Remus' sobs.

Eventually Remus couldn't cry anymore and thanked the two for being there for him and letting him stay. But now he knew he had to explain. Explain why he is a blubbering mess, why he called Janus to come pick him up.

Remus tried to compose himself before explaining it all to the two. It was hard and he did cry again when he mentioned Logan. He let them know how Logan seemed to almost change overnight. He much Logan cheating on him hurt. How his heart quite literally shattered. How he keeps trying to not think of him but his mind and the voices just keep bring Logan and Patton up.

The night ended with Janus making tea for all three of them. Roman ended up heading to bed first, apologizing but saying he had a exam tomorrow in his hardest class. Janus soon followed, after making showing Remus to the guest room and making sure his friend would be alright alone.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay Remus?" Janus asked for the seventh time as he stood in the doorway of the guest room. Remus nodded once more, tired of speaking for the day. Janus sighed, "Alright, if you need anythinf Roman and I are jusr down the hall. Don't hesitate to call or come wake us er well, wake me, if you need anything."

Remus mumbled out a thank you as Jamus closed the bedroom door. Remus grabbed out his phone charger, plugging in his phone, seeing several unread texts from Logan.

Logan: Remus?

Logan: Remus please let me explain.

Logan: I know you saw Patton and I earlier

Logan: Just, please I can explain. You've got to trust me on this.

Logan: Remus please answer.

Logan: It wasn't what it looked like.

The texts just went on, almost all meaning and saying the same thing. It broke Remus and deep down he knew there was nothing Logan would say that could change what happened or make this hurt less. So as painful as this would be, Remus pulled up Logan's contact and blocked him.

Once he did that, Remus sat his phone down on the nightstand, turned over and tried to sleep.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Dark thoughts as well as mentions of self harm

The next few days were some of the hardest Remus ever had. He didn't go to class at all, instead emailed his professors and be working from the guest room. He didn't want to go to campus in fear of running into Logan. Roman and Janus both had been good hosts to him and he was thankful for them both, but he mostly just craved to be alone. There was very few cases of soulmates getting together with someone else. He knew his parents may be an example but never in a million years did Remus think it would happen again. 

He never even wanted to fall in love to begin with, he knew no one could ever love him romantically. He thought meeting Logan, his soulmate, things would be different. That for a brief moment he almost believed that. In the end, he was just let down and hurt by the one person who was never supposed to hurt him. 

Blocking his number, only helped so much. Logan ended up writing to Remus, notes of apologizes. Remus just continued to ignore the words stained on his skin. He covered them up and resisted the urge to write back. A part of him wanted to believe the words that had begun covering his body, but he just couldn't. He knew it was wrong to want Logan back after what happened. After he broke the promises he swore so deeply he would keep. 

As days passed, the messages on his arms grew. His soulmate kept just apologizing asking to be forgiven. Remus also grew to see messages of his soulmate confessing his neverending love for him. This only caused Remus to hurt more and just get fed up with it all. He just wanted Logan to stop. To just admit he did wrong, that he didn't love him and go live some happy life with Patton. 

Remus had a thought, a not good thought at all, but one that could possibly make everything better for him. A way to make everything better in the end. He let the thought simmer in his mind, planning it out, not wanting to forget a single detail. The day had come and he was ready to get this plan rolling. To stop the cursed writing on his skin and the pain in his heart to just stop. 

The day arrived and Remus was up watching the sun rise. He waited until he heard the door to the house close and lock. He then looked out the window and watched Janus and Roman head off to campus, staring out the window until the car was far from sight. He needed time to himself and lots of it. He knew on this day that neither would be back till late afternoon, leaving him alone for quite sometime. 

After staring out the window for some time Remus decided to get this thing over with. So with that, he went to the kitchen to get the few supplies he needed before going back to his room and locking the door. He also pushed a dresser in front of the door, just to be safe. He closed the curtains as well. With that he grabbed out some alcohol and poured majority of it on his arms along with some on his legs. He let out a sigh and for a brief moment questioned if he should continue to go through with this. But the darker part of his brain got the best of him and before he knew it he pulled out the lighter and flicked it open and onto his skin. 

The pain was awful but nothing compared to the heartbreak. He knew this was for the best and would just help fully erase Logan from his life. He just needed, no, he wanted to forget him. He wanted to be free of the pain his so called soulmate had caused him. 

The burning continued for what felt like forever, till Remus was satisifed with the result and began the process of cleaning up his mess he had made and to hide his work before Janus and Roman returned home.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: dark thoughts, mentions of self harm, mentions of death, mentions of a breakdown

Remus knew the hard part would be hiding what he had done from Janus and Roman. He knew that through his planning. Thankfully the weather had started to change into cool autumn weather, perfect for Remus to wear long sleeve shirts without anyone questioning him. So with that, he threw on a light green sweater as he finished cleaning up his mess and cleaning his arms. Though deep down his thoughts were telling him to let the fresh burns become infected and to let him suffer, and as tempting as that was, Remus wanted to just stick around a bit longer. Janus and Roman needed him. And the burning was enough to satisfy his urges for the time being. 

As Remus cleaned his burns, he wanted to do it again. He wanted to feel in control of himself and his emotions and that felt like the only way. But he knew he couldn't, not now anyway as Janus and Roman would be home any time now and he could get caught. That's the one thing he couldn't let happen. If he got caught, it would be all over. They both would know how broken he really was. How much it hurt him that Logan didn't love him. How much he craved and missed Logan and how he wanted Logan back so badly. How his head was screaming at him that Logan could never love some monster such as himself. That all the words he was told by him, he didn't mean. It was all just a cruel trick to drag him along as he got with Patton. 

Remus fought back tears as he let his mind think about Logan. He finished cleaning his wounds and the mess in his room, before grabbing his phone and laptop and heading to the living room to look like he was being productive when they got home. He sat on the floor, his back against the loveseat, and opened up a word document. He pulled up some assignments and tried his best to work on them, he knew he was behind and most likely starting to fail classes, and he knew he should care, but he just couldn't find it in him to do so. He knew this college thing wasn't for him, but he knew to be able to do what he wanted he needed a college education and a degree, so he would have to suffer through and hope for the best. 

He began working and paid no attention to the time and before he knew it, Janus and Roman had returned home. Janus was the first to greet him, coming into the room, sending him a smile. 

"Hey Rem, you do know we have tables and chairs right? You don't have to sit on the floor." 

Remus chuckled and nodded, "Yeah, I know. Just comfy right here. Able to focus more on this paper." He quickly turned to show the word document that was once blank but now filled with several pages of words and sources of course material. This caused Janus to smile more and give a small pat on Remus' head, before walking away. 

Remus let out a small sigh and went back to typing away at this paper, trying to ignore the building thoughts in his head that just kept getting louder. Trying to ignore the stinging of his sleeves rubbing on the fresh burns. He just needed to focus. He just needed to keep writing this paper and not give in to the voices in his head. But god they are so convincing, so persuasive. It was so hard to say no to them on a good day. Even harder now, with his mental state in pieces and was one minor inconvenience away from breaking down. 

He quickly got up and rushed to his room, closing and locking the door behind him, sliding to the floor, dropping his things as he went down. He couldn't do this, he wasn't strong enough to handle this pain and he just wished he was dead. He didn't want to deal with this pain and hurt anymore. He cried out and sobbed sitting on the floor, not caring if he was heard. He just wanted Logan to hold him and tell him it was all okie, but Logan was gone and didn't love him anymore. He was basically dead to Logan and he needed to move on, but it was hard to forget and move on from your soulmate. 

As he sobbed, he heard a small knock on the door and the doorknob jiggle. He moved away and unlocked the door, missing the lock a few times, as tears made his vision blurry. Janus and Roman walked in, seeing him a mess on the floor. Both of them got to the floor and Janus pulled him into his lap, holding him tightly. Roman rubbed his hand and arm, which caused him to flinch hard, which did not go unnoticed. Before long, his sleeves were up and he sobbed harder, burying his head into Janus' chest, apologizing frantically. Both his friends comforted him, whispering words of affirmation trying to calm him down. But he couldn't stop crying, everything he had bottled up along with his thoughts just caused him to break down and open the never-ending flood gates. All three of them sat on the floor for a while, until Remus had calmed down and fell fast asleep in Janus' arms.


	21. Chapter 21

Remus woke up in an unfamiliar room. He groaned and tried to move only to see he was hooked up to machines. He tried to set up before a hand stopped him. 

"Careful Rem. Don't wanna hurt yourself." Remus looked and saw it was Roman. Roman helped him sit up more before sitting back down in the chair that was pulled up close to the bed. 

"Why....why am I here?" Remus coughed out, his throat dry and sore. He wanted some water but wanted answers first. 

"Janus and I saw the burns, we brought you here to get them treated. And we both think you need help, even just a therapist to talk to. You don't need to go through this alone Remus. And we both wanna help any way we can." Roman offered a small smile. 

Remus just nodded, turning away from his friend. How could they do this to him? Sure he needs help, but taking him here to the hospital? That was just uncalled for. He wanted to be left alone but that was nearly impossible now. 

"Oh uhh Remus, I should tell you now before he comes up here, but Janus sort of invited Logan to the hospital to see you. Logan spoke to Janus and me a few days ago at school and well we think you should hear him out." Roman quickly spoke out. This only caused Remus to try and get out of the bed. He didn't....no he couldn't see Logan. He couldn't bear to see him. 

"Roman, please. I don't wanna see him. I don't care what he has to say it isn't worth it to me. He hurt me and clearly is happier with someone else that isn't me. Dad was right and I'm incapable of being loved. Can't you both just worry about your fucking selves and let me be. I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna hear or see him. I don't want it. I just want to die. Or if I have to live I just wanna be left the fuck alone, alright?!?" Remus started to scream out. As he did so, he tried to rip everything out, fully determined to just walk out of this place. Walkout and disappear as he clearly he couldn't trust anyone. 

Before he knew it, nurses were rushing in, holding him down, trying to keep everything in place. He tried to fight back but his body was still tired so in the end, he just laid there as he was secured and taken care of. He went to look away as the nurses took care of him and there in the doorway he saw the one person who caused him so much pain. Logan. 

Logan stood there, looking down at him. Remus could feel the stare and the emotion behind it. He wanted to believe it was hate but deep down he could easily see the pain in Logan's eyes. The nurses finished up and spoke to Roman, telling him to call if he got out of hand again. As the nurses left, Roman stood up and excused himself from the room briefly, leaving Remus alone with Logan. 

"Please go away," Remus whispered out, afraid that if he spoke any louder he would break down. Logan stayed silent and walked into the room, going over to the chair Roman sat in. "Please....just go. I know you don't want me so I don't want you here. Just...just leave..." Remus mumbled out, tears starting to form. 

Logan reached out and slowly touched his hand and cleared his throat. "Remus...I'm not leaving you. I'm your soulmate, I'm not going anywhere." 

Tears rolled down Remus' cheeks. "You already have left. You...you kissed Patton. You clearly don't want me....so please just go. I don't want to be hurt by you anymore."

Logan held his hand tightly, squeezing it. Remus tried to pull away but Logan just held on tighter. "What happened with Patton...what you saw...I know I can't apologize or make you believe me, but Patton forced himself on to me. I pushed him away as soon as I could." 

"You still hurt me, you treated me like shit when I met your friends. You made a promise. You said you would love me Logan and god damn it all you've done is hurt me. All the things you've said and spoken, you went against them. How am I supposed to trust you? How am I supposed to know that it's safe to love you." Remus began to sit up, trying to hold back the sob he could feel building up within him. He didn't want Logan to see him cry cause then he would just want him to hold him. God, he just wanted to curl up in his arms and cry and believe that everything would be okie. But how could he trust him again, after everything that had happened. 

"I can't make you trust me again and I know I have to earn that back. And yes, I did go against all I said, but I did mean everything I've said to you. I love you, Remus, with all my heart, and god these past few weeks have been killing me. You deserve so much better than me and I know I'm not the best but I will try and make things right. To be the best for you, anyway I can be. And if you are really set on never seeing or speaking to me again, I'll go and leave. I'll let you live out your life without me in it if that's what you truly want. I just want you to be happy, with or without me." Logan spoke, tears sliding down his cheeks. He pulled his hand away and began to get up. 

In a swift movement, Remus grabbed his soulmate's hand and gripped it tightly, trying to pull him back. Logan stopped and held on, turning to look back at Remus who was now sitting up in the bed. "Please...don't go. I'm sorry. Please don't leave me again. Logan, I need you." Remus began to sob. "I've always needed you, but I was too scared cause I'm scared of getting hurt and losing you for good. I'm scared of how much I love you and you mean to me. And as much as I'm hurting because of you, I never want you gone for good. You are my soulmate." 

Logan sat on the bed, gently pulling Remus into his arms. Remus sobbed into his chest as Logan began crying even more. The two of them sat there, crying together, holding each other close, completely oblivious to Janus and Roman who were standing in the doorway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a lot of feelings and emotions lately and figured the best way to express them was via this story. Whoops. This is not finished yet, but nearing it's end.


End file.
